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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Almost 6 months

At 6 months, Isabella continues to be the source of continual joy for our household.
Some things that started the week before Christmas,
Sat unassisted for 30 sec or so 12/19/10

Monday, December 6, 2010

5 months old

At 5 months, Isabella is a joy.

When she smiles, she ducks her head shyly.
When she smiles, her whole face lights up and her eyes shine.
When she complains, she changes the tone of her coo.
She rarely cries.
She has great head control.
She still hates tummy time, but can raise her head feet and trunk.
She loved eating her dresses this month.
She loves spoons the past couple of weeks.
She loves the measuring spoons and her links.
She does crunches when lying down or back.
She laughs often.
She loves her bath.

5 months old

At 5 months, Isabella is a joy.
She loves to talk and play.
She still doesn't really like tummy time, but will tolerate it for a little while.
She had her first ear infection.
She had her first Thanksgivng and despite being sick, enjoyed all the activity and people. She especially enjoyed Keely, Krisenda and Kelly.
She has great head control and is very strong
She likes to stand in your lap
She hates to sit back and does crunches when leaned back or lying down.
She is nursing pretty well and often can just nurse and go an hour or two after.
Isabella's hand eye coordination is really taking off. She has been holding fingers and her clothes  and blankets for over a month now, but the past couple of weeks, she has held spoons and rattles and rings, etc.Week before last, I gave her a little spoon to hold while Rachel and I were in the kitchen and she loved it. She put it in her mouth and held it for a long time. Last week I gave her the measuring spoons and she loved them. We went to China palace on Monday or Tuesday and she played with a spoon the whole time we ate.

Isabella was diagnosed with her first ear infection on last Thursday, December 3rd. Lee looked at her Thanksgiving Day, but I think she had it then even though he said she was OK. She has been pretty miserable for a while. She started feeling better on Sunday. She is eating better and much happier. It was a long haul. She started feeling bad on Monday or Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I wish I had gotten her rechecked earlier.
Last night she was about to jump out of the tub she was kicking so hard and having soo much fun.
She goes for her well baby check today.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Isabella hates tiummy time. I began to wonder if she would ever stay happily on her stomach so she could learn to crawl and roll over. Today, she played on her tummy for 5 minutes and was pretty happ y. Somehow, her muscles for this have gotten stronger anyways as she has gotten older. When I put her on her tummy today with a neck pillow for support and her piggy rattle and rings for toys to reach for, she was happy for about 5 minutes. Then she layed on Rachel's legs for several minutes, too. Go Isabella, I hear  youhave some catching up to do.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Isabella had her first cold the week before and during the Thanksgiving holiday. She did pretty well with it at first, but had a really hard time over the holiday. She got so stopped up some days that she couldn't eat, breathe,  nurse, or sleep. She was really having a hard time.
On a brighter note, that was mainly during the evenings except for Thanksgiving Day itself, that day she felt bad all day.
Brenda's son Greg, his wife, Kelly, and daughters, Keely and Krisenda, came for the holidays. We enjoyed them sooooo much. Isabella adored the girls and Kelly. Kelly was great with her and helped me a lot. The girls were great with her too and helped me a lot, too. Keely spent my birthday with me and Isabella the day after Thanksgiving. We played cards and took care of the baby. She picked out outfits for the next couple of days and pajamas for the evening. Isabella loved her. She got Isabella to sleep when she was fussy and I needed to get a shower and get ready to go to Beth's for a birthday dinner.That night, Isabella sat at the table in Keely's lap or Krisenda and loved watching them play cards. She stared at the cards and was happy being in the middle of the action.
I counted my blessings for the year on Thanksgiving Day. It was a bang up year. God gave us Brenda and her family, Bryan, Sydney Grace and Isabella. I am overwhelmed with the blessing of it.
William once again spent Thanksgiving playing with LJ, Caleb and Sarah Elizabeth. He horses around with them every year and they love it.
Isabella was laughing last night at David on the changing table when he made funny noises at her. Her cold is better, but I am not sure she doesn't have a secondary infection. It has been 12 days and she still has some congestion and is still pulling off her bottle and breast sometimes. Lee looked at her Thanksgiving Day for me and she was still OK then, but if she has anymore problems today, I am going to take her again.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Isabella is really coming along. She loves to watch her feet. She can't stand to lie back. When you lie her back, she does crunches trying to sit up. And as soon as she is sitting, she tries to stand up. She won't sit down. She loves to cruise the house with you and will sit and watch any activity you are doing. I just describe what I am doing to her and tell her what everything is. We went to a barn yesterday. She enjoyed seeing the horses, dogs, cats, and the barn. We talked about the sounds everything makes. Day before yesterday, we cruised around town. We went to see Gina and Carma and she went for her first visit to Daddy's office. This past weekend she and I spent the weekend together. Everyone else was in Batesville. I enjoyed having her to myself. There was very little time to bathe or eat, but it was nice to have an excuse to play with her instead of handing her to someone else to play with while I tried to get something done. I think she realized how much I like her. She has been much more secure and grinny since then. For weeks she has calmed when I pick her up and  prefers me when she needs comfort, but this week she is grinning at me the most. I love her grins. She grins all the time now.
She was on the back porch with Blaze, William, Rachel, Grant and Morgan today. She was out there for a long time with them on the swing. She acted like she was a big girl.
David had her on the changing table and put her clothes over her face. He said, "Where's Isabella? There she is!" and she grinned big everytime.
She was adorable in her little bouncy seat today. She was batting at her toys vigorously and would kick her feet at the same time and grin. William got a little video, I think.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Nursing success

4 months. 4 very long months. An endless cycle of nursing,  pumping, bottle feeding. For 3 hours, every 3 hours(that means almost nonstop)
Today. Today, Isabella nursed her breakfast in an hour and I didn't need to pump her a bottle to take.
Last night, she refused a night time bottle and nursed herself to sleep. I think we may have nursing success, finally.
Thank the Lord!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

After 4 months of very little sleep, I am still enjoying every  moment with Isabella. I get tired, but not tired of her. I am so grateful to God for her. I am so blessed to be missing my sleep!
Isabella is talking to us all the time now. She even complains in a coo! She just changes the intonation of the coo!
We went to Batesville this weekend and she showed out for Pappaw, Brenda and Gigi.
She loves to scoot on her changing table on her back by pushing her legs against your stomach and she loves to study her feet  in her bath.
She loves to splash in her tub at bathtime.

Friday, October 22, 2010


Isabella has been laughing this week. I just now am posting it. She was in her bouncy seat and batting at her toys and kicking her little feet jubilantly and laughed as William hid himself with a blanket and revealed himself again.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

first chuckle

I tickled Isabella today and she gave a little chuckle. "Huh-huh"

Monday, October 11, 2010

Made plastic bag toy to put under Isabella's feet today. She loved it. She waved her arms wildly as she moved her feet and delighted in the crinkle of the bags.
She was really grinning at funny faces today.
Went antiuqing for a changing table today and saw Bonnie Busbee.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Isabella was grinning up a storm this morning. She grinned at everyone that talked to her. We are going to worry her to death for those grins! We'll have to try to catch one on the camera to post. She really follows us around with her eyes now as we move around the room.
She definitely knows me now. She quiets every time I get her, no matter how distressed she is. She loves to nurse, but has not mastered the techinique for getting her meals that way. I am still nursing, incessantly pumping, and bottle feeding her. It's tiring, but worth it for her to have breast milk.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

First Smile

Isabella smiled at me today. The first one I count as real and wide awake. Yeah!

First Smile

Isabella smiled at me today. The first one I count as real and wide awake. Yeah!
She has rolled over several times since she was born, back to front in the first week in her crib on the little positioner, which has a little incline to it that probably aided the roll, later back to front on our bed when Rachel had to set her down for a minute, and today on the floor front to back, with the aid of my hand to push off of. She was on a slippery blanket on the floor. Every time I put my hand close to her feet, she pushed until she turned over.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wholehearted Joy

I am wholeheartedly praising God because she is wholehearted!

Isabella had her echocardiagram yesterday. It was three long hours long, but after 2 solid hours or more of looking at her heart and vessels, the doctor decided that her heart was OK. He heard an aortic stenoisis, but couldn't find any physical evidence of it. That was why they studied her so long. I am wholeheartedly relieved that she is wholehearted! Big brother, William held her and comforted her through the whole procedure, doing an amazing job of keeping her peacefully asleep. Thank you my big boy!
After crying for the first 5 minutes of the echo, William gave her a bottle and got her to sleep. My big boy held her in a very uncomforatble position (for him) for those 2 hours, and worked to comfort her so that she wouldn't wake and cry again as they poked around. They couldn't study her heart with her crying so it really was a necessity. They needed her to be quiet and still to do the procedure. By God's grace, she stayed asleep.  He is good even in the details. Can you imagine that visit if she hadn't slept.?

I am so grateful!

After our doctors appointment, we treked by the nursing home to see Laura's parents, my best friend while growing up. I learned so much of what I know of life and how to live it from them and from her. She is one of those friends that I will eternally be grateful to GOd for. I never would have navigated many of the trials of my life without her help.
It was such a blessing to see them. They ate Isabella up. I love them so much . Some of my best memories of childhood are with them. I praise my sweet God that I got to share Isabella with them today. It brought tears to all of our eyes, theirs and mine. It was so precious to see them hold my sweet baby and love her.

Of course the appointment was in Jackson, which is 2 hours away. It takes me forever to get everything I need for a day together, pump, pump supplies, diabetes supplies for William, all of Isabella's stuff, etc. By the time I did her last feeding before going to bed and got bottles sterilized and filled, the requisite load of laundry, pumped one last time before going to bed, etc. it was 2 AM. We got up at 4:30 to feed, pump, get ready and load up, so I really only napped for a couple of hours that night . I went by Babies R Us to pump and feed again at 9 AM, pumped and fed in a hotel parking lot at 3PM after the appointment , and then pumped as I drove home after our visit with the Colemans, LOL! I bought a nursing apron at Babies R Us and draped myself so I could drive and pump. I cut a sports bra up to use as a harness when I pump so I can be relatively hands free! Do you think that's what they mean when they say multitasking?

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


OK, I pumped 2 or 3 times an hour today to get my supply back up to almost 2 oz every 3 hours. I am going to keep it up as long as I can. Hopefully, I can get enough milk that Isabella doesn't have to work for it so hard.
Thinking of supply...............
I love that God promises to supply alll my needs. Not only does He promise to supply them, but abundantly, according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. He loves me. I need to be loved. It makes me feel safe when I think about it. I helps all my problems to think about His love and His promises to supply my needs.

That means that when I have a problem with one of the children, I can come to Him. When I have a problem in my marriage, I can come to Him. When my world has fallen apart, I can come to Him. And I have in each of those instances and He, He has not disappointed me.
He has carried me through earth shattering marital crises.
He has carried me through life threatening illnesses with my children.
He has carried me through the death of those closest to me.
He has carried me through the spilt milk and endless laundry and chores that overwhelm a mother's day. And He has  made my work joy.

He has made my trials a blessing and given me peace and joy in the raging storms of life.

I love you.


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

First visit with Gigi

This week we went to Jackson to a doctor's appt. I went to an MD that specializes in breastfeeding. She prescribed fenugreek to increase my supply and watched to make sure Isabella's palate was not too hight for her to nurse. She gave me a different size shield to use when pumping and advised me to nurse her when she wasn't frantically hungry. Still not much luck. I couldn't really nurse this weekend with all the company. We were getting the hang of it before we left. I hope I can accomplish that this week.

We went by to visit my dear friend, Laura, after we went to the doctor's. We always laugh when we call each other "my oldest friend" now. My birthday and Laura's are only a few days apart in November.
It was so much fun to watch Kimberly, Kaitlyn, Laura and Harry hold Isabella. . Ealier this year when Kimberly, her youngest, found out I was expecting, she told Laura and Harry to go do what they needed to do right now to get her a baby, LOL! That afternoon  Kimberly again  said she wanted a baby. Laura told her they didn't have anywhere to put a baby. Kimberly responded, "I have a whole shelf next to my bed!" LOL!

We visited Gigi this weekend. It was the first time she has seen Isabella.

It was precious. Gigi ate her up and Isabella loved Gigi. They gazed at each other for hours both days as Gigi talked and talked to her. William Lee came by to visit, too.
I took pics. I'll have to post them and a video. More later.

This was also the first time that Janie, Stacey, Lee, Andy, Jan, Bob,
Amy, and Mark saw her.
It was fun to share my sweet baby with our loved ones.

17 years

Today( August 27th) is Willliam's seventeenth birthday. I remember this day 17 years ago very well and it really only seems like a few years.
He is such a precious boy. I am so grateful for him.
He still hugs on me and holds my hand no matter where we are. His love language is definitely touch.

We didn't do a whole lot today. We got cake  and snacks from Sam's. He had Jake and Tucker to spend the night and play video games. He went to the movies and Books a MIllion with Collin the next day.

And he said to me," Thanks, Mom. This was the best birthday ever."

I am so glad that the little I could accomplish was more than enough for him.
Precious boy.


I know you find that you struggle a lot, with many things, with all the things that you wish you could fix about yourself. We all do. Whether you want to have more patience with your children, want to be joyful and peaceful all the time, want to be more organized, want to have more discipline in any area of your life, want to be more Christlike, and the list goes on....
I find comfort in this. ..
"But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; 28 God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, 29 so that no human being [3] might boast in the presence of God. 30 And because of him [4] you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, 31 so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 1 Corinthians 1: 27 - 31.
I am foolish and weak. Sometimes I feel like a "not". There are so  many things about me that I wish were better.
2 Corinthians 12:9 "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
He accepts me and uses me as I am. My weakness allows His strength to shine and makes me grateful to Him that He will use me just as I am. He takes what I am and makes it beautiful.

Rest in Him. Look to Him. Don't strive so hard.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Everyone is enjoying Isabella!
She is a joy to hold. We love all her little baby sounds. We love all her little baby moves. We all oooh and aah over her all day long. There is never a shortage of arms wanting to hold her.
The cuddling, the snuggling,  the feeding, all so much fun. We excalim over her all day long.

Today, she demostrated a new talent.... Projectile pooping.
Rachel was changing her  and had just put a new diaper on, but it was not yet closed.
Isabella pooped all the way across the room. We could hear Rachel's exclamations and all went to see.
We all laughed heartily.
William got the clean up joh. He is the one that pooped all over the carpet at 18 months and it was David's birthday. Rachel couldn't because she was gagging. Lol.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


I am thanking God for all the wonderful people He brought into my life as a result of carrying Isabella to term with an uncertain diagnosis. He brought beautiful women of faith along side me to encourage my heart, women that walked the same road and turned their trials into a ministry of faith, Monica Rafie, Louise Flannagan, Laura Dawson, Julie Stahl, Amy Beth, Katie Butts and others.
All of my friends that have prayed for us. I want you to know that each prayer strengthened and encouraged my heart. Thank you for lifting us up. God is always good, even when His answer is no. I am grateful for His "Yes!"
I look forward to the new friends we will make as we travel the journey He has planned for us. I hope to honor and glorify Him as He is worthy of praise and devotion.
Please pray for Katie Butts and Ellie, from the blog,

Katie is due to have Ellie on August 17th. This has been a difficult and uncertain pregnancy. Ellie will be medically fragile and have to endure many tests and treatments if she survives to term.

You will be blessed by her posts.... Her first child, Will, was born a congenital amputee. He makes me laugh and nothing holds him back.

Katie is a woman after God's own heart.See More

Baseballs, Butterflies, & Blessings
Please welcome and pray for my new friend, Meghan Beauman Bell, and check out her ministry, Cross Healed Hearts.
And I have been remiss in not posting the site that first gave me hope when I found out that Isabella had very little chance of survival.
Thank you my friends. I love you all

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Welcome Isabella!

Written July 2010

Hey Baby!

You're here! God is so good! I get to keep you! I dare not even say the words out loud because if I did I would burst into tears! I can't even write them without sobbing! These are happy tears! My heart is so full it could burst!
They decided on Saturday, July 3rd that my eclampsia was severe enough to keep me overnight. They did 2 ultrasounds on you that day and at the time you were OK. Jill Acosta, my friend, was our nurse. She was so worried. On Sunday they decided to induce you because the PIH was reaching levels that were of concern, mainly my reflexes were so hyper. My BP was erratic.
On Saturday night, I began to have contractions. I had a good deal of pain. I wonder if that was when your placenta abrupted.
By God's grace, He kept you safe until your delivery on Monday afternoon with a placenta that was 25 to 30% abrupted, 40% is fatal. I am still overwhelmed at how close I came to losing you.

OK your delivery was pretty funny. I kept telling them that I went fast after 5. Now granted, I didn't go as fast as I usually do at 5. I waited until 6 to go from 6 to 10 in seconds. Misty was checking and felt it go from 6 or 7 to 10 in seconds. The call button didn't work. She sent your dad for help. You were crowning. He WALKED to the nurses station for the doctor. Dr. Nelson came in and was asking Rachel to hold my leg for me to push when I had another contraction and you popped out(head, shoulders and tail) like a champagne cork, one whole baby in a second. You should have seen the look on Dr. Nelson's face. It was a good thing the table was up!

Oh Isabella, I can't tell you how much I thank God for you. He has blessed me beyond comparison, beyond my wildest dreams.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Well the preeclampsia seems to be better. I am feeling a lot better. Today was the first day that my blood pressure has been relatively normal all day and it is the first day that i haven't had a headache in almost 3 weeks! I also feel like moving around a bit, which I haven't.
I am grateful to God for restoring me and helping Isabella one more time.

What an unimaginable journey. I never could have dreamed the last few months. If I had dreamed them, I wouldn't have understood and would have thought of it as a nightmare. But I don't now. I see things so differently than I did, it's hard to imagine where I started.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I am dreaming of rocking, nursing and snuggling. I am dreaming of swingsets and playgrounds. I am dreaming of teaparties, playdates and ABC's.
I can't wait to meet and hold you.
I'll confess that I am not even thinking about sleepless nights. I am dreaming of staring at you in the wee hours and listening to the wee sounds you make as we rock the night away.
Rachel has a new camera. I know we will get some great shots of you at your birth.
Would you please get in birth position. I am waiting.
I love you, Baby.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Dear Lord,
My blood pressure is up again. Please hold of any eclampsia and keep Isabella safe.
I love You.
In Jesus Name and By the Power of His Blood.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

My dearest most precious Isabella,
Who knew that monitoring you would be so fun? You were a crack. I love you, baby. You have a fiesty little personality that has served you well during this difficult time. I thank the Lord that He blessed you with some of your mother's obstinance. My closest friends and family have labeled me as stubborn and I agree. It has served me well. Sometimes our strengths can be our faults. I am sure that sometimes my stubborn determination extends itself to that degree at times. I try to be reasonable, but if I am sure, I am sure.

I prefer another name for it. It sounds better. Perseverance.
Never give up!

Sometimes I label it optimism, determined that if I never give up, I haven't failed yet. Not only that, but with God all things are possible!
Sounds reasonable to me.

Did I remember to tell you that you threw a little fit during your nonstress test monitoring yesterday? They couldn't keep the monitor on you. You weren't having any of it. Every time it touched you, you squirmed out of the way. After almost an hour, you finally gave up and consented to the little monitor touching you. LOL!

I was so encouraged by your determination to avoid that monitor. It seemed very healthy to me.

I can't wait to meet you, hold you and love you...... I am dreaming daydreams of nursing, rocking and singing (I am choosing to forget sleepless nights, but will confess that I will praise God for every one if He lets me keep you.)I am dreaming of swingsets, sandboxes and strollers.
I am dreaming of loving you for a long time. I think this is one of the first times that my heart has been able to go there, precious. Keeping you is one of the deepest desires of my heart. The reality that I might not get to has been all too real. (Father, keep her safe.)

Must be prayers lifting me up and encouraging my heart.

I feel better this week. If labor and blood pressure problems will hold off, I will fix you a nursery. I can't wait.

I love you so much!


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

My blood pressure is officially up. I can't get it down unless I am lying down. I started some Aldomet, but I don't know if it will help yet.
They did some tests for preeclampsia today and I will do a 24 hour urine tommorow. All my blood work came back OK, but I have retained a lot of fluid over the past week.
Then, when I went to work, I had contractions the entire time I was on my feet. They stopped when I got home and started resting, but I don't know how many more strikes I can take and keep on. I sure do hope I can keep going at least another week. But I will listen to what they tell me.
The good news is that Isabella passed her NST. I was relieved that her heartrate was good when she was moving. And she decided she did not like that monitor on her at all. She moved a lot! LOL! She threw a little fit when they started. She was all riled up. The very idea of anyone fooling aroung with her. I am so careful to pay attention to the things she indicates she hates. She doesn't like tight pants. She hates for me to bend over. She really doesn't like for me to poke around on her, but I confess that sometimes I do because I like to watch her kick. She really has not been crazy about me lying on my left side, but I found out that that is the only way to get my blood pressure down, so I have ignored her on that one. She has adjusted.
They were so sweet on the OB floor and told me to come back anytime I was the least bit worried about her. Better safe than sorry. Since I have been worried on the days she is not very active, that made me feel better.
Thank you, Lord that I made it through this day of work after the monitoring. Please continue to bless me and Isabella. Keep her safe until it's time for her to make an appearance.
Again, You know the desire of my heart.I pray that she would be perfectly healthy.
I know that You are able and I am not ashamed to ask.( "Ye have not because ye ask not." That doesn't mean He will say yes, only that I should ask. If I were perfectly in tune with His will, I would know what He wills and ask for that. But I am not there. I don't know if I ever will be. Sometimes I hear Him very clearly on some issues. And sometimes I can't make it out at all.
I have been almost sure many times in this pregnancy that He was saying "no" and then we passed another month that I didn't think we would make. I obviously was not hearing Him correctly, thank heavens!)
Lord, I know you give us enought light for the step we are on and ready for.
Thank you for all You are and all You do.
I love You. I really do.
Lord, bless my marriage.
This pregnancy, the wedding, and working have strained things greatly. He really didn't want to deal with what was already on his plate, much less anything new. He has really hurt my feelings with a lack of care and consideration. I need Your healing power. I need the strength to save up forgiveness until he is able to want it.
I need Your love to pour through me, unmerited and undeserved, to him.
Fill my heart with what You would. Shape me as You would. Help me to be ready for molding and shaping into what You would have me to be.
I can't change anyone but myself and I am only responsible for myself.
Thank You for that too!
In Jesus Name and by the Power of HIS HOLY BLOOD,

I am so grateful. I am humbled and grateful that You always see me through the blood of Your Precious Son. Those words don't really encompass how I feel about that.
It's Your Grace.
Unmerited favor.
Love beyond measure, totally underserved.
No way to earn it. But no need, thank goodness.
You're always there... Trying to help me see... Trying to help me grasp...Leading me...Loving me... Guiding me...
I want to share You with a dying world and help them see the God I see.
I want them to know the God I know.
They don't know how much You love them.
Lord, help me to become a purer vessel for You, help me to forsake the sins that beset me and get in the way of Your desire to live through me.
I want so badly to be a vessel for You. It's pretty obvious how far I fall short.
Thank You for You unlimited patience, love and forgiveness.
Thank You for Your unlimited ability to do above and beyond all that I ask or can envision.
Forgive me for all the ways I fail You.
Thank You for that forgiveness.

Please let me work this week to keep some of my income until Isabella is here. Thank You for allowing me to work until now. Forgive me for the times I have complained about doing too much. I am grateful for how You have provided.

Help me to be the wife, mother, and friend that You have created me to be.

Help me to remember Your unlimited power and love as I go through my day.
Keep me in constant prayer. Help me be with You as I go through my day. If I worked harder at walking with You instead of my misguided attempts to live for You(As much as I would like to think it does, it does Not come naturally! Unless You are constantly living through me, I am walking in my own power... No wonder I am not seeing the results I would like to see.)
I love You and am so grateful to be Yours.

In Jesus Precious Name and By the Power of His Precious Blood,

Monday, May 31, 2010

Jeremiah 29:11
I recited that verse tonight. I needed a word from God. He knew my heart was floundering a bit.
The past few days have been hard days. My blood pressure has been up except when I am on my left side. Isabella didn't move much Saturday or Sunday. Enough to keep up a kick count, but not enough to relieve any anxiety about her.
Sometimes I lose hope that I will hold her here. And I want her for a lifetime. Sometimes I get discouraged that I may not have her for a lifetime. God already knows His plans. I know I should pray, but I am too discouraged to pray.
Heavenly Father,
I'm sorry I wasn't just throwing myself at your feet. I want this so badly and I don't want You to say no. I know You still love me if You say no... This is hard to put in words.
I am pleading with You for Your blessing. I am pleading for this child. I am pleading for a healthy child.
I am tired, Lord. I need to cast my burdens on You and let You carry me.
I come to You now.
I will praise You no matter what, but You know what I want with all my heart.
Thank You that you have plans to proper me and not to harm me. Thank you that You have plans for hope and for a future.
Help me to see the ways You want to use me and be faithful to pursue those to Your glory.
Thank you for being there.
In Jesus Name and through His blood,

Saturday, May 29, 2010


Today I miss mom again. Sometimes it takes me by surprise... Out of the blue, I think of her and start sobbing. I guess you never really quit missing a mom.............
Thank you today for answered prayer.
Thank you that Ellie Grace was better. My heart needed that.
Thank you that Isabella's kidney is still functioning.
Thank you for these precious babies.
I can't wait to meet her. Keep her safe, Lord. Bring her safely into this world for me to meet.
Lord, help me to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that you created me to be.
Help me to see with my eternal eyes and thank you for always being there, holding me up, guiding and protecting me.
Wednesday May 26th


Today you and me and Rachel swam in the pool. You like the pool. You like the lack of gravity. I wonder if it feels cool to you through my belly.
We watched Jacki Chan in The Spy Next Door and made Chicken Alfredo. It was a nice day.
Then We watched August Rush and you kicked on the couch. I wouldn't take anything for your kicks. I am so blessed to carry you.
I love you.
Tomorrow I find out if everything is going OK or not. I may find out more about whether or not I am going to have a lot more time with you or not.
No matter what, you are precious to me.
I love you.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Heavenly Father,

I am so grateful that You spoke and the universe came into being.
I am so grateful that You love us so deeply.
Reminded of Your power and Your love, I quietly come in praise and adoration for all that You are and ask Your divine touch on Isabella and Ellie.
Thank you for gracing us with daughters.
I know You are able. I pray with all my heart that it is Your plan that they be with us for a long time.
This is so hard.
I know you are teaching me to see with my eternal eyes. Something I thought I was pretty good at until now.
"Keep your eyes on the things above and not on the things of this earth, for you have died and your life is hidden with God in Christ Jesus."
Thank you so much for the reduction of fluid in Ellie yesterday. My heart needed that. I needed to know Your heart. I needed a hint that she could survive. Thank you so much. I am pleading.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

“But the eyes of the LORD are…on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.” ~ Psalm 33:18

“I have hope… Because of the LORD’s great love…his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness…The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him…” ~ Lamentations 3: 21-25

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” – Hebrews 11:1

“…And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5

“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39: 7

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

1 Peter 4:10

Isaiah 40:28-31

God gives. God takes. God’s name ever be blessed. ~Job 1:21

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy... ~Psalm 30:11

Do not mourn like those that have no hope. ~1 Thes. 4:13

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matthew 6:34

Cast all your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you. ~Psalms 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you. ~1 Peter 5:7

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ~Matthew 11:28

…though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith…may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. ~1 Peter 1: 6-9

Be still and know that am I God. ~Psalm 46:10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5,6

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” ~2 Cor. 12:9

Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ~Ephesians 3:20

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ~1 Cor. 1:27

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” ~Philippians 4:11-13

Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age
to the yoke of his discipline:

Let them sit alone in silence
beneath the Lord’s demands.
Let them lie face down in the dust,
for there may be hope at last.
Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
and accept the insults of their enemies.

For no one is abandoned
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.

~Lamentations 3:21-33

Sweet baby, I lay on the couch for an hour this morning. I lay there with you and savored every kick and squirm. You are so cooperative!
Big kicks, little kicks, a steady pace... I delight in every little move you make.
If this is the only time we get, I want to savor it. I want to remember it. I want to treasure it so completely that I don't feel like I never really got to be with you, baby.
I love you so much.
Thank you for being your sweet precious little self.
My friend, Katie had a girls day the other day. She has inspired and helped me to enjoy you.
I never enjoyed being pregnant with a baby more. Isn't it special?
You are so special to me. My heart is full to overflowing with the joy of being your mother. I love it. I feel so blessed.
And I am grateful to God for the privelege. I am grateful once again that He has brought me to a place where I can...
Praise Him for you no matter how much time we get together.

It's good I feel this way today.

Thursday, we may get bad news and we may not. I know if I do, I will be overwhelmed with it. Remind me of today then.

I love you so much.


Monday, May 24, 2010

My sweet newlyweds are home safely! They had a great time!
I am grateful to family and friends that provided for a great honeymoon! I am grateful to God for keeping them safe and providing the lovely time they had!

I am grateful that for the past couple of days, Isabella has been lively and kept me smiling with kicks and squirms. These are so precious to me. I love you Isabella Grace!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Habakkuk 3:19: The Lord is my strength! He will make me as surefooted as a deer and bring me safely over the mountains.

"Be still and know that I am God" (Ps 46:10)

"In Him, and through Him, I live, and breath, and have my being and only in Him do I find my rest"

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

1 Chronicles 16:34: "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; His love endures forever."

Psalm 47:6 "Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises."
Acts 17:28 "... in Him we live and move and have our being."

Hebrews 4:16 "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Psalm 139 v 13-16: "For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

''Behind my life the Weaver stands and works His wondrous will - I leave it in His all wise hands and trust His perfect skill.''

Isaiah 41:10: ''Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.'' -

Psalm 103:1. “Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.” Psalm 103:1-2

Psalm 6:9: "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer"

"Be still and know that I am God..." (Ps 46:10) Ps 43:4 "I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise Him, my Saviour and my God." We give thanks to God for He is good; His mercy endures forever!"

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I have been a little lost the past few days. Full of grief and lost my focus.
God is always so good to help me find it again. I love Him.

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done (1 Chronicles 16:8).
Let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found (Psalm 32:6).
Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near (Isaiah 55:6).
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened (Matt. 7:7-8).
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12).
Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints (Ephesians 6:18).
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God (Philippians 4:6).
Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful (Colossians 4:2).
Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17).
I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone (1 Timothy 2:1).
I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing (1 Tim. 2:8).
Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray (James 5:13).
Build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit (Jude 20).

It is clear that our Father wants his children to pray to him, a commitment which his Son modeled throughout his life and ministry: "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed" (Mark 1:35). Before choosing his 12 apostles, "One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God" (Luke 6:12). Another time, "Jesus was praying in private and his disciples were with him" (Lk. 9:18).

After feeding the 5,000, Jesus "went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone" (Matthew 14:23). Later "he took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray" (Lk. 9:28). The night of his arrest, " Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, 'Sit here while I go over there and pray'" (Matt. 26:36).

Luke tells us that "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Lk. 5:16). The writer of Hebrews adds that "during the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission" (Hebrews 5:7). Now Jesus "is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them" (Heb. 7:25).

Monday, May 17, 2010

I reread the words to My Shepherd Will Supply My Need a minute ago. I know that He will. I can do what I have to . I will praise Him. He is always worthy of praise. At all times. I want to be faithful to praise Him always. I want to be faithful to have joy in the midst of my grief.

1. My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace.

2. When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.

3. The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.
My oldest, Sarah, got married Saturday. It was a beautiful day filled with beautiful memories.
She is only 20, but when she met Bryan, it wasn't long before she knew he was the one. He is an amazing man.
He loves the Lord deeply. He loves Sarah deeply.
She was as calm as anyone could have been for her big day.
She and Brian waited to have their first kiss at their ceremony.
He cried as she walked down the aisle. They both had a wonderful time. They are so excited to start on their lives together and commited to serving the Lord.

I have prayed my children's entire lives for the right mates. I have had them praying for a long time for their future mates.
I was so grateful to God for answering that prayer in such a powerful and unmistakeable way. I know that we are blessed and I know Who blessed us.

The day could not have been more joyful or perfect.

Coincidence or not, Rachel sings to Isabella at home, and when Rachel sang "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" during the ceremony, Isabella started kicking vigorously and kicked the entire time she sang. She didn't do that again the entire day. I was happy to be so concious of her presence there with me. My heart was full of all of my girls.

It is amazing that God sent such an amazing blessing in the midst of heartache. It is amazing how my heart can be full of joy at the same time that my heart is so heavy with heartache over Isabella.

I have been researching ultrasound pictures of trisomy 18 and 13 babies. I just couldn't quite bring myself to believe that she really might have those fatal trisomies, and yet I knew that Dr. Tucker wouldn't exaggerate the probablity to me. I found enough information to support his statements.

I know that because she had a large cystic hygroma, has a polycystic kidney. has a short femur, has swollen looking feet and has growth in the 25% percentile, those are very real possibilities. I found that some babies with trisomy 13 or 18 look normal on ultrasound. It is so hard to admit to myself that it is a real possibility. I wanted to tell myself that since no cardiac abnormalities had shown up, since her fists weren't clenched, and she doesn't have microcephaly that those were not what I was looking at.

I know God didn't close His eyes when He formed her.

Pray that I will be faithful to praise Him for His plan.

I know you understand when I say that that particular plan breaks my heart. It is really hard to get to joy in the midst of my grief.

I love God and I trust Him and I don't want that plan.

I don't want to pray for the best and plan for the worst. If I plan for the worst it is so real for me that I can't stand it. No one else really considers the worst for us. I can tell they don't go there.

How do I do this?

I am really having a hard time. Tonight, I just can't stop crying.

I know My God loves me and her. I do trust Him even when my heart is breaking. I will praise Him no matter what happens. I know Who He Is.

But my heart is broken tonight. I am grieving. If anyone has any words of wisdom to throw my way, I am open.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

My shepherd will supply my need

Artist: Isaac Watts
Album: other songs
Buy other songs CD
Lyrics: My Shepherd Will Supply My Need

My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace. 2. When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.
3. The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Precious Heavenly Father,

I have to say thank you again today. You have blessed us so immeasurably.

Today, my oldest gets married. My heart is full to overflowing with joy. Joy because I am sure the man she is marrying is a man of God, who will love her as she deserves to be loved and lead her in a life that honors and glorifies You. You pray their entire lives for this kind of blessing. So all I can say is thank you, Father. I know Who accomplishes good in my life and hers. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

If I had time this morning, I would say much more. Thank you that no matter what befalls in our lives, You fill us with Your Presence and I KNOW that I am BLESSED.

I love you,


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Answered prayer

I haven't listed one of my biggest blessings: my future son in law, will be son in law on Saturday!
I have prayed for my children to find a spouse that loves the Lord for their entire lives. My prayers are sometimes audible and sometimes take the form of trusting God because He knows my hearts desire. He knows that I want, above all, I want my children to live their lives to His glory, to honor and glorify Him because He is worthy or honor and praise. Because He alone is the source of all Good and All Good Things.
Bryan loves the Lord and he loves Sarah. I adore him and am thrilled to add him to our family. I praise God for bringing them together and answering one of the greatest desires of my heart.
Dad always says the two most important decisions a person can make are accepting Jesus as Savior and Lord and marrying the right person.
Sarah has now accomplished both.
Life has bumps.
Life is unpredictable and nothing is certain.
But the two most basic things you need for a happy marriage are to love the Lord and love each other.

As a bonus, Bryan is responsible and has impecable character.His heart is to serve the Lord.

I am overjoyed to turn Sarah over to him!

I am delighted that she will be his responsibility!

I will always be here for them, of course, but what a big rock to put in my stack!

Thank you, Lord for answered prayer. You are truly amazing. If I forgot to thank you before now, let me say:
I praise You for all You do. I praise You for accomplishing this. I thank You for Bryan.

He loves me

When Rachel was about 18 months old, she became very ill. For a couple of weeks she was in the hospital running temps of over 105 even dosing either Tylenol or Motrin every 2 hours, and using tepid baths at 105 in between.
At the end of 2 weeks, her blood work looked odd and her lymph nodes were enlarged. We were sent to University Medical Center in Jackson for about 2 weeks. We spent Easter there. They ran almost no tests for about a week and a half, other than a nasal swab for an adeno virus. When she quit nursing or playing at all and was just lying in the bed, I was standing on my head trying to get someone's attention. They did a CAT of her sinuses(where did that come from, is all I can say). At the end of that week, her temps were down to 102 and they let us go home, saying that although she did not test positive for adeno virus, that must be it and she would recover.
About a week later, her belly looked like she was starving in Africa; it was huge. Her temps were over 101. I called my pediatrician again and he had us come in for some blood work. He and Dr. Massengill consulted together and came in to tell me that it looked like she had leukemia. They were sending her to Birmingham the next day.
I cried all night. Heartbroken and angry. Angry at God.
Over the next couple of days, I asked Him how He could love us and let this happen?
How could He give her to me and take her away?
His answer was almost audible to my heart......
"I gave my only Son so that you could be together for an eternity. You can never lose her. How can you question my love?"
He told me that when my heart was breaking, His was too. I was His child.

I understood what He was saying.
I haven't questioned His love since. I know that whatever befalls, He loves us without question. He made the ultimate sacrifice of His only Son.

Over the next week, they ran tests for all sorts of infections: cat scratch fever, psitacosis, toxiplasmosis, Ebstein Barr, CMV and others.
They tested for autoimmune disorders such as Juvenile Rhuematoid Arthritis, Lupus, etc.
They did CAT scans of her huge liver and spleen for neoplams. They did a bone marrow for Leukemia.
She was diagnosed with CMV and Mono(Ebstein Barr). She had an unusual reaction to two ordinary illnesses.
She would live and be fine.
I love her so much. What a great kid. I am so grateful He let me keep her here.

But through the whole ordeal, He blessed me with the certainty of His love. I have been grateful for the lesson more than once.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"I love the Lord, because He hears
My voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live."
— Psalm 116.1,2

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

Our word from the Lord today is Isaiah 43:1-3 “Now this is what the Lord says—the One who created you, and the One who formed you, Israel. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name; you are Mine. I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flames will not burn you. For I the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, and your Savior give Egypt as a ransom for you.

"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth."
— Psalm 145.18

Psalm 23

Jeremiah 30.17 For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.

Matthew 9.22
Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

Isaiah 30:26 The light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the LORD binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted.

Jeremiah 33:6 'Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them; and I will reveal to them an abundance of peace and truth.

Psalm 107:20 He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destructions.

2 Cor 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;


In pondering things over the past week, several trains of thought have taken root in my mind.
1) God didn't close His eyes when making Isabella. If He made her with trisomy 13 or 18, He made her that way for a perfect reason. Selfishly, I would like to have her for a long time. But I understand that He has eternal purposes to accomplish. He can take her to heaven in the eternal perspective to accomplish thisngs on earth that I can not fathom. If he give us a witness that touches someone's heart, He may have a plan to save many babies. He may have a plan of eternal salvation for someone. How could I say that I wouldn't want Him to accomplish those things. I can't. He is good. That I know. I love Him. I know that, too. He loves me. I am sure. He loves her. I am sure. I can never loose her. I just may not get to keep her here.
If she is a testimony to the value of every little life He creates, no matter how brief, if that is His plan, I value that also. She is a beautiful baby. Precious in His sight and mine. I love her so much.

2) He may still have a plan to allow me to keep her. I don't know. I won't know before she is here, probably, since I elected not to have an amnio.

She beat the 95% chance that I would miscarry in the first trimester because of my age.

She beat the greater than 90% chance that her huge cystic hygroma would be fatal.

There is up to a 50% chance that she has a fatal chromosomal abnormality. Those are the best odds she has had.

3) God is not bound by any statistics.

I am determined to have Joy. Nothing can take the Lord from us and He is our joy. Even if I cry.

I trust Him. He is worthy of praise always. That sounds so lame because it is such an understatement of what our Precious Lord is.
He is God. Nothing is beyond Him or out of His hands.At a word the heavens and earth were created. We can not comprehend Him.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Healing my broken heart: Blessed

Better today.
I am determined. Determined to be blessed. Determined to count my blessings.
God knows what is happening in my life and has planned it for a perfect reason.
He planned Isabella Grace. He planned her just as she is for His glory. Whatever her defects or imperfections, fatal or not.
She is to His glory and I am determined to count every day with her as a blessing.
Every moment, whether months or years, to count them as blessing. I am choosing Joy.
I am choosing Him.
I read Katie Butts blog. She is counting every moment with Ellie. I wondered how she could do that and not be overwhelmed with grief. I wondered how she could build a nursery that might never hold a baby. It was beyond my ability.
But I prayed the other night that I might choose Joy. I prayed that He would heal my hurting heart and fill it again with Joy. He has. I don't know how. I didn't think it was possible.
But the realization that every moment of this pregnancy is planned by Him helped me to realize that every one should be joyful.
Some of my biggest regrets in life are when I didn't coose joy. It is always a choice. A choice to rest in the arms of our incredible God and let Him carry us through our trials confident that He has our best interest at heart.
Know the plans I have for y0u, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a hope and a future.
Today is not all we have. It is only a vapor in the eternity of our lives and I am determined to live it as such. To see my trials as so tempory as almost nonexistent.
I am determined to enjoy my baby for the time given me with her and to love her as He loves me and to trust her to my precious God.
Now if I can just give another area of my life to God like that that I have been holding on to, I will be headed in the right direction.
Katie said that God sometimes blesses us in the midst of our worst nightmares. That is just another way of saying what I have always believed: The weight of glory far outweighs the weight of the suffering.
God has always sent my biggest blessings in the midst of trials. Trials that I would have avoided if I could choose. Trials that I might still not choose, could I choose even now. But trials that enriched my life immeasurably, that taught me Who He was. That taught me His love and faithfulness.

It took me by surprise Wednesday when Dr. Tucker said that Isabella's defects could be fatal. I knew the hygroma was a fatal condition. I knew the odds of overcoming that, but I thought when we got past that that we would be free and clear. To find that I was still in the position of waiting for my baby to die was more than I could accept joyfully. He had to help me. I had to know where I was to get where I needed to be. I guess since I was waiting for the hygroma to be over I was sure that when it was over, we could move on and if it wasn't she would be gone because of it.

So welcome Isabella Grace. I love you so much. You have filled my heart now for 6 months. I have waited for you to be mine forever, holding my breath until the obstacles were over.
Now I find that they my not ever be over. I may never hold you as a healthy child, physically whole. I may never get to rest in the peace that comes with a healthy child.
But I hold you now. I love you now. For now that is enough.

None of this took our God by surprise. He holds us both and we will enjoy one another for as long as we have each other here.
Then if it is His will, I will wait to hold you again in heaven. And if it is His will, I will have you here for a long time.

But you need to know how much I love you.
I love your kicks and rolls and wiggles. I love that I poke you and you move. I love to carry you. You have blessed me with your sweet little presence. I love you immeasurably.

Thank you, Precious Lord, for precious Isabella Grace. Hold her carefully. If its Your will, heal her and let me hold her for a long, long time.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Baby Isabella

Dear Lord,

I just found out again that I may not get to keep her. I know you love her more than I do. If she goes to your arms before she comes to mine, I know I will meet her in heaven.
I want her so much. It is hard to process my thoughts.
My heart is broken.
I know Your eyes were not closed when You formed her lovingly in my womb. I am not sure of Your plan for us. I know I trust YOu with that.
My internet friend, Ellie's mom, is making a concious effort to enjoy her days with Ellie. I have enjoyed every little kick and roll, every ultrasound, every precious sign of her precious little life.
Life has been so busy for me. Working full time, Dad's wedding, Hugh's funeral, taking care of the house and kids, planning Sarah's wedding, doctor's appointments, all keeping me exhausted. I am going to make a conscious effort to be conscious of everything I am doing with Isabella. I am going to treasure my time with her. I am going to live in the moment and not wait for the future because today is all I have for sure and I don't want to regret how I spent today.
I hear You speaking to me, Lord, help me to hear.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

I have had a singular lack of it lately. No time in the word.
I have been doing too much of that lately. No time in the word.
I need the Lord in my every day life.
Can't believe I let busyness push Him out.
Rectifying that tonight.
Gratitude. Forgiveness. Love. Joy. Peace.
Things of eternal significance.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I am having a really hard time today. Really tired and fretting about the baby. She is in an odd position. I can't feel her movements as well in this position and it makes me worry that something is wrong. I can't wait until Wednesday.



Friday, April 30, 2010

goodies for the rooms

food for my house for before the rehersal.

Invitations to my house for before the rehersal.

Confirm guests

Office guests

Menu for rehersal dinner

guest count




serving pieces



flowers for table

Boston Butt

Baked Beans


Potato Salad








Spinach Dip

Artichoke Dip

Soft Drinks

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I like 99 balloons, Better than I ever imagined, and The Atypical Life, beautiful blogs.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Things to do

Plates, napkins, silver for reception and rehersal dinner.
Serving pieces
Help for both
Clean House
Plant Yard
Set up chairs and tables for both
Tablecloths for both
Flowers for both


I got to hear that little heartbeat again today. The lump in my breast that I have not mentioned to anyone because I just wanted to keep it between God and me is probably just fibrocystic breasts. Dr. Myatt did not appear to be concerned. I am so relieved. I didn't think God would add that to my plate, but His ways are not mine, His plans are not mine.
Thankfully, in all things, His plans are better.

It is a good thing I am not in charge of my life. I would make it all roses. I would leave out the thorns. But the thorns have brought the most blessings and growth. I would have missed all that.
I would have left the thorns out of my children's lives, too.

I need some help with my heart. You know the problem. In case anyone ever reads this, I don't think I want to tell them the problem. It involves others and should be kept private. Please send me the help I need.
I think that will suffice. You know how to answer. I am expecting an answer today.

I love You!

Precious Lord and Saviour,

Thank you so much for Isabella Grace. I love her so much. Her wiggles and kicks are beautiful and precious. I see babies and think of her. My arms ache for her. My heart is full of her. I can't believe You gave me this precious miracle. I can't wait to meet her.

Thank you for her fiesty little spirit, evident even in the womb. She cracks me up! Thank you for forming her and shaping her.

Guard and protect her from all harm in my womb and after she arrives.

Heal her now from the calamities that have come.

I believe You have a perfect plan but I also believe it is to give her to me.

I submit to You even if this is not Your plan. I love You and know You love us both.

Thank you, Lord for all You are and all you have done!

In Jesus Name,

I went from not being able to imagine that I wouldn't hold her to petrified that I wouldn't.

Isabella had a weird week where she really didn't move much. I was so afraid every day that something had gone wrong. She moved some every day, but there weren't those constant little kicks and wiggles that keep me going. I also put on some fluid weight that scared me.

Her activity levels are back up, but my confidence isn't.

I can't wait until next week. Another sonogram. I am praying for resolution of the cystic hygroma.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

It's been a long time since I have posted.
A lot has been going on.
I started back to work full time in December and found out I was pregnant.

It has been a strange road to travel.

For weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I waited to miscarry because of my advanced age. Holding my breath and afraid to hope, unwilling to let this baby into my heart because I didn't want to deal with the loss.
At around 11 or 12 weeks, I decided maybe I should make an appt. Maybe I really was going to have a baby.
There (I know who now) she was on an ultrasound. Heart beating away normally.
A scan was sceduled with a maternal fetal specialist to see that all was normal with the baby.
I was still holding my breath, despite being told that the chances of anything going wrong at this point were slim, around 1 to 2%.
At that scan, I found out that Isabella Grace had a large cystic hygroma which is, in simplified form, an immature lymphatic system that has not fully connected with the circulatory system to empty.
She was in grave danger of going into hydrops, a collection of fluid that leads to congestive heart failure.
They couldn't see her heart and face, so we couldn't rule out cleft palate and heart defects. She had an echogenic bowel, which is another soft marker for chromosomal defects.
Of course, I was offered a termination of pregnancy.
Until now, I didn't realize how many pregnancies were terminated due to a poor prenatal diagnosis.
It appears that at any defect detected on a sonogram around 99% of mothers terminate.

That still breaks my heart.

Sarah and Rachel argued over the baby's name for a while. Rachel was pulling for Audrey Isabella(noble strength and God's promise) and Sarah liked Mary Grace.
They compromised with Isabella Grace.

The last scan showed all organs and extremities normal, with no sign of echogenic bowel. Dr. Tucker's pronosis went from almost no hope, to cautiously optimistic.
The hygroma was smaller or the same.

Isabella is very active most days. The days she isn't she scares me. I love all her wiggles and kicks.
I imagine holding her all the time. I talk to her all the time and tell her how much I love her.

I can't imagine not holding her at this point. Only one more week (well and a little half) until she is considered viable outside of the womb.

I have never counted weeks 0r agonized over when a baby might be viable before. With my others, I never even considered that they might not make it to term normally.

Nonetheless, God has a plan.

I have seen how praying for Isabella has the potential for developing the faith of others. She is already a miracle.
She is to GOd's glory.