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Monday, May 31, 2010

Jeremiah 29:11
I recited that verse tonight. I needed a word from God. He knew my heart was floundering a bit.
The past few days have been hard days. My blood pressure has been up except when I am on my left side. Isabella didn't move much Saturday or Sunday. Enough to keep up a kick count, but not enough to relieve any anxiety about her.
Sometimes I lose hope that I will hold her here. And I want her for a lifetime. Sometimes I get discouraged that I may not have her for a lifetime. God already knows His plans. I know I should pray, but I am too discouraged to pray.
Heavenly Father,
I'm sorry I wasn't just throwing myself at your feet. I want this so badly and I don't want You to say no. I know You still love me if You say no... This is hard to put in words.
I am pleading with You for Your blessing. I am pleading for this child. I am pleading for a healthy child.
I am tired, Lord. I need to cast my burdens on You and let You carry me.
I come to You now.
I will praise You no matter what, but You know what I want with all my heart.
Thank You that you have plans to proper me and not to harm me. Thank you that You have plans for hope and for a future.
Help me to see the ways You want to use me and be faithful to pursue those to Your glory.
Thank you for being there.
In Jesus Name and through His blood,
Cheryl

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Mom

Today I miss mom again. Sometimes it takes me by surprise... Out of the blue, I think of her and start sobbing. I guess you never really quit missing a mom.............
Lord,
Thank you today for answered prayer.
Thank you that Ellie Grace was better. My heart needed that.
Thank you that Isabella's kidney is still functioning.
Thank you for these precious babies.
I can't wait to meet her. Keep her safe, Lord. Bring her safely into this world for me to meet.
Lord, help me to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that you created me to be.
Help me to see with my eternal eyes and thank you for always being there, holding me up, guiding and protecting me.
Love,
Cheryl
Wednesday May 26th

Isabella,

Today you and me and Rachel swam in the pool. You like the pool. You like the lack of gravity. I wonder if it feels cool to you through my belly.
We watched Jacki Chan in The Spy Next Door and made Chicken Alfredo. It was a nice day.
Then We watched August Rush and you kicked on the couch. I wouldn't take anything for your kicks. I am so blessed to carry you.
I love you.
Tomorrow I find out if everything is going OK or not. I may find out more about whether or not I am going to have a lot more time with you or not.
No matter what, you are precious to me.
I love you.
Mama

Friday, May 28, 2010

Heavenly Father,

I am so grateful that You spoke and the universe came into being.
I am so grateful that You love us so deeply.
Reminded of Your power and Your love, I quietly come in praise and adoration for all that You are and ask Your divine touch on Isabella and Ellie.
Thank you for gracing us with daughters.
I know You are able. I pray with all my heart that it is Your plan that they be with us for a long time.
This is so hard.
I know you are teaching me to see with my eternal eyes. Something I thought I was pretty good at until now.
"Keep your eyes on the things above and not on the things of this earth, for you have died and your life is hidden with God in Christ Jesus."
Thank you so much for the reduction of fluid in Ellie yesterday. My heart needed that. I needed to know Your heart. I needed a hint that she could survive. Thank you so much. I am pleading.
Love,
Cheryl

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

“But the eyes of the LORD are…on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.” ~ Psalm 33:18

“I have hope… Because of the LORD’s great love…his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness…The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him…” ~ Lamentations 3: 21-25


“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” – Hebrews 11:1

“…And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” – Romans 5:1-5

“But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you.” Psalm 39: 7

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

1 Peter 4:10

Isaiah 40:28-31

God gives. God takes. God’s name ever be blessed. ~Job 1:21

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy... ~Psalm 30:11

Do not mourn like those that have no hope. ~1 Thes. 4:13

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matthew 6:34

Cast all your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you. ~Psalms 55:22

Cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you. ~1 Peter 5:7

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ~Matthew 11:28

…though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith…may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. ~1 Peter 1: 6-9

Be still and know that am I God. ~Psalm 46:10

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5,6

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:9

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” ~2 Cor. 12:9

Now all glory to God, who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. ~Ephesians 3:20

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ~1 Cor. 1:27

“I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” ~Philippians 4:11-13

Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

The faithful love of the Lord never ends
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
And it is good for people to submit at an early age
to the yoke of his discipline:

Let them sit alone in silence
beneath the Lord’s demands.
Let them lie face down in the dust,
for there may be hope at last.
Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
and accept the insults of their enemies.

For no one is abandoned
by the Lord forever.
Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.

~Lamentations 3:21-33
Isabella,

Sweet baby, I lay on the couch for an hour this morning. I lay there with you and savored every kick and squirm. You are so cooperative!
Big kicks, little kicks, squirms....at a steady pace... I delight in every little move you make.
If this is the only time we get, I want to savor it. I want to remember it. I want to treasure it so completely that I don't feel like I never really got to be with you, baby.
I love you so much.
Thank you for being your sweet precious little self.
My friend, Katie had a girls day the other day. She has inspired and helped me to enjoy you.
I never enjoyed being pregnant with a baby more. Isn't it special?
You are so special to me. My heart is full to overflowing with the joy of being your mother. I love it. I feel so blessed.
And I am grateful to God for the privelege. I am grateful once again that He has brought me to a place where I can...
Praise Him for you no matter how much time we get together.

It's good I feel this way today.

Thursday, we may get bad news and we may not. I know if I do, I will be overwhelmed with it. Remind me of today then.

I love you so much.

Mamma

Monday, May 24, 2010

My sweet newlyweds are home safely! They had a great time!
I am grateful to family and friends that provided for a great honeymoon! I am grateful to God for keeping them safe and providing the lovely time they had!

I am grateful that for the past couple of days, Isabella has been lively and kept me smiling with kicks and squirms. These are so precious to me. I love you Isabella Grace!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Habakkuk 3:19: The Lord is my strength! He will make me as surefooted as a deer and bring me safely over the mountains.

"Be still and know that I am God" (Ps 46:10)

"In Him, and through Him, I live, and breath, and have my being and only in Him do I find my rest"

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

1 Chronicles 16:34: "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; His love endures forever."

Psalm 47:6 "Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our King, sing praises."
Acts 17:28 "... in Him we live and move and have our being."

Hebrews 4:16 "Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Psalm 139 v 13-16: "For you created my inmost being you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

''Behind my life the Weaver stands and works His wondrous will - I leave it in His all wise hands and trust His perfect skill.''

Isaiah 41:10: ''Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed. I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.'' -

Psalm 103:1. “Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name.” Psalm 103:1-2

Psalm 6:9: "The Lord has heard my cry for mercy; the Lord accepts my prayer"

"Be still and know that I am God..." (Ps 46:10) Ps 43:4 "I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise Him, my Saviour and my God." We give thanks to God for He is good; His mercy endures forever!"

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I have been a little lost the past few days. Full of grief and lost my focus.
God is always so good to help me find it again. I love Him.

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done (1 Chronicles 16:8).
Let everyone who is godly pray to you while you may be found (Psalm 32:6).
Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near (Isaiah 55:6).
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened (Matt. 7:7-8).
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer (Romans 12:12).
Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints (Ephesians 6:18).
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God (Philippians 4:6).
Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful (Colossians 4:2).
Pray continually (1 Thessalonians 5:17).
I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone (1 Timothy 2:1).
I want men everywhere to lift up holy hands in prayer, without anger or disputing (1 Tim. 2:8).
Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray (James 5:13).
Build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit (Jude 20).


It is clear that our Father wants his children to pray to him, a commitment which his Son modeled throughout his life and ministry: "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed" (Mark 1:35). Before choosing his 12 apostles, "One of those days Jesus went out to a mountainside to pray, and spent the night praying to God" (Luke 6:12). Another time, "Jesus was praying in private and his disciples were with him" (Lk. 9:18).



After feeding the 5,000, Jesus "went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone" (Matthew 14:23). Later "he took Peter, John and James with him and went up onto a mountain to pray" (Lk. 9:28). The night of his arrest, " Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, 'Sit here while I go over there and pray'" (Matt. 26:36).



Luke tells us that "Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed" (Lk. 5:16). The writer of Hebrews adds that "during the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission" (Hebrews 5:7). Now Jesus "is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them" (Heb. 7:25).

Monday, May 17, 2010

I reread the words to My Shepherd Will Supply My Need a minute ago. I know that He will. I can do what I have to . I will praise Him. He is always worthy of praise. At all times. I want to be faithful to praise Him always. I want to be faithful to have joy in the midst of my grief.

1. My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace.

2. When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.

3. The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.
My oldest, Sarah, got married Saturday. It was a beautiful day filled with beautiful memories.
She is only 20, but when she met Bryan, it wasn't long before she knew he was the one. He is an amazing man.
He loves the Lord deeply. He loves Sarah deeply.
She was as calm as anyone could have been for her big day.
She and Brian waited to have their first kiss at their ceremony.
He cried as she walked down the aisle. They both had a wonderful time. They are so excited to start on their lives together and commited to serving the Lord.

I have prayed my children's entire lives for the right mates. I have had them praying for a long time for their future mates.
I was so grateful to God for answering that prayer in such a powerful and unmistakeable way. I know that we are blessed and I know Who blessed us.

The day could not have been more joyful or perfect.



Coincidence or not, Rachel sings to Isabella at home, and when Rachel sang "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" during the ceremony, Isabella started kicking vigorously and kicked the entire time she sang. She didn't do that again the entire day. I was happy to be so concious of her presence there with me. My heart was full of all of my girls.

It is amazing that God sent such an amazing blessing in the midst of heartache. It is amazing how my heart can be full of joy at the same time that my heart is so heavy with heartache over Isabella.

I have been researching ultrasound pictures of trisomy 18 and 13 babies. I just couldn't quite bring myself to believe that she really might have those fatal trisomies, and yet I knew that Dr. Tucker wouldn't exaggerate the probablity to me. I found enough information to support his statements.

I know that because she had a large cystic hygroma, has a polycystic kidney. has a short femur, has swollen looking feet and has growth in the 25% percentile, those are very real possibilities. I found that some babies with trisomy 13 or 18 look normal on ultrasound. It is so hard to admit to myself that it is a real possibility. I wanted to tell myself that since no cardiac abnormalities had shown up, since her fists weren't clenched, and she doesn't have microcephaly that those were not what I was looking at.

I know God didn't close His eyes when He formed her.

Pray that I will be faithful to praise Him for His plan.

I know you understand when I say that that particular plan breaks my heart. It is really hard to get to joy in the midst of my grief.



I love God and I trust Him and I don't want that plan.



I don't want to pray for the best and plan for the worst. If I plan for the worst it is so real for me that I can't stand it. No one else really considers the worst for us. I can tell they don't go there.



How do I do this?



I am really having a hard time. Tonight, I just can't stop crying.


I know My God loves me and her. I do trust Him even when my heart is breaking. I will praise Him no matter what happens. I know Who He Is.



But my heart is broken tonight. I am grieving. If anyone has any words of wisdom to throw my way, I am open.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

My shepherd will supply my need

Artist: Isaac Watts
Album: other songs
Buy other songs CD
Lyrics: My Shepherd Will Supply My Need


My Shepherd will supply my need:
Jehovah is His Name;
In pastures fresh He makes me feed,
Beside the living stream.
He brings my wandering spirit back
When I forsake His ways,
And leads me, for His mercy's sake,
In paths of truth and grace. 2. When I walk through the shades of death,
Thy presence is my stay;
A word of Thy supporting breath
Drives all my fears away.
Thy hand, in sight of all my foes,
Doth still my table spread;
My cup with blessings overflows,
Thine oil anoints my head.
3. The sure provisions of my God
Attend me all my days;
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise!
There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come;
No more a stranger, nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Precious Heavenly Father,

I have to say thank you again today. You have blessed us so immeasurably.

Today, my oldest gets married. My heart is full to overflowing with joy. Joy because I am sure the man she is marrying is a man of God, who will love her as she deserves to be loved and lead her in a life that honors and glorifies You. You pray their entire lives for this kind of blessing. So all I can say is thank you, Father. I know Who accomplishes good in my life and hers. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

If I had time this morning, I would say much more. Thank you that no matter what befalls in our lives, You fill us with Your Presence and I KNOW that I am BLESSED.


I love you,

Cheryl

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Answered prayer

I haven't listed one of my biggest blessings: my future son in law, will be son in law on Saturday!
I have prayed for my children to find a spouse that loves the Lord for their entire lives. My prayers are sometimes audible and sometimes take the form of trusting God because He knows my hearts desire. He knows that I want, above all, I want my children to live their lives to His glory, to honor and glorify Him because He is worthy or honor and praise. Because He alone is the source of all Good and All Good Things.
Bryan loves the Lord and he loves Sarah. I adore him and am thrilled to add him to our family. I praise God for bringing them together and answering one of the greatest desires of my heart.
Dad always says the two most important decisions a person can make are accepting Jesus as Savior and Lord and marrying the right person.
Sarah has now accomplished both.
Life has bumps.
Life is unpredictable and nothing is certain.
But the two most basic things you need for a happy marriage are to love the Lord and love each other.

As a bonus, Bryan is responsible and has impecable character.His heart is to serve the Lord.

I am overjoyed to turn Sarah over to him!

I am delighted that she will be his responsibility!

I will always be here for them, of course, but what a big rock to put in my stack!

Thank you, Lord for answered prayer. You are truly amazing. If I forgot to thank you before now, let me say:
I praise You for all You do. I praise You for accomplishing this. I thank You for Bryan.

He loves me

When Rachel was about 18 months old, she became very ill. For a couple of weeks she was in the hospital running temps of over 105 even dosing either Tylenol or Motrin every 2 hours, and using tepid baths at 105 in between.
At the end of 2 weeks, her blood work looked odd and her lymph nodes were enlarged. We were sent to University Medical Center in Jackson for about 2 weeks. We spent Easter there. They ran almost no tests for about a week and a half, other than a nasal swab for an adeno virus. When she quit nursing or playing at all and was just lying in the bed, I was standing on my head trying to get someone's attention. They did a CAT of her sinuses(where did that come from, is all I can say). At the end of that week, her temps were down to 102 and they let us go home, saying that although she did not test positive for adeno virus, that must be it and she would recover.
About a week later, her belly looked like she was starving in Africa; it was huge. Her temps were over 101. I called my pediatrician again and he had us come in for some blood work. He and Dr. Massengill consulted together and came in to tell me that it looked like she had leukemia. They were sending her to Birmingham the next day.
I cried all night. Heartbroken and angry. Angry at God.
Over the next couple of days, I asked Him how He could love us and let this happen?
How could He give her to me and take her away?
His answer was almost audible to my heart......
"I gave my only Son so that you could be together for an eternity. You can never lose her. How can you question my love?"
He told me that when my heart was breaking, His was too. I was His child.

I understood what He was saying.
I haven't questioned His love since. I know that whatever befalls, He loves us without question. He made the ultimate sacrifice of His only Son.

Over the next week, they ran tests for all sorts of infections: cat scratch fever, psitacosis, toxiplasmosis, Ebstein Barr, CMV and others.
They tested for autoimmune disorders such as Juvenile Rhuematoid Arthritis, Lupus, etc.
They did CAT scans of her huge liver and spleen for neoplams. They did a bone marrow for Leukemia.
She was diagnosed with CMV and Mono(Ebstein Barr). She had an unusual reaction to two ordinary illnesses.
She would live and be fine.
I love her so much. What a great kid. I am so grateful He let me keep her here.

But through the whole ordeal, He blessed me with the certainty of His love. I have been grateful for the lesson more than once.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

"I love the Lord, because He hears
My voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live."
— Psalm 116.1,2


“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10


Our word from the Lord today is Isaiah 43:1-3 “Now this is what the Lord says—the One who created you, and the One who formed you, Israel. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by your name; you are Mine. I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flames will not burn you. For I the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, and your Savior give Egypt as a ransom for you.

"The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth."
— Psalm 145.18

Psalm 23

Jeremiah 30.17 For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.

Matthew 9.22
Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isaiah 30:26 The light of the moon will be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the LORD binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted.

Jeremiah 33:6 'Behold, I will bring to it health and healing, and I will heal them; and I will reveal to them an abundance of peace and truth.

Psalm 107:20 He sent His word and healed them, And delivered them from their destructions.

2 Cor 4:17 For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory;

Optimism

In pondering things over the past week, several trains of thought have taken root in my mind.
1) God didn't close His eyes when making Isabella. If He made her with trisomy 13 or 18, He made her that way for a perfect reason. Selfishly, I would like to have her for a long time. But I understand that He has eternal purposes to accomplish. He can take her to heaven in the eternal perspective to accomplish thisngs on earth that I can not fathom. If he give us a witness that touches someone's heart, He may have a plan to save many babies. He may have a plan of eternal salvation for someone. How could I say that I wouldn't want Him to accomplish those things. I can't. He is good. That I know. I love Him. I know that, too. He loves me. I am sure. He loves her. I am sure. I can never loose her. I just may not get to keep her here.
If she is a testimony to the value of every little life He creates, no matter how brief, if that is His plan, I value that also. She is a beautiful baby. Precious in His sight and mine. I love her so much.

2) He may still have a plan to allow me to keep her. I don't know. I won't know before she is here, probably, since I elected not to have an amnio.

She beat the 95% chance that I would miscarry in the first trimester because of my age.

She beat the greater than 90% chance that her huge cystic hygroma would be fatal.

There is up to a 50% chance that she has a fatal chromosomal abnormality. Those are the best odds she has had.

3) God is not bound by any statistics.

I am determined to have Joy. Nothing can take the Lord from us and He is our joy. Even if I cry.

I trust Him. He is worthy of praise always. That sounds so lame because it is such an understatement of what our Precious Lord is.
He is God. Nothing is beyond Him or out of His hands.At a word the heavens and earth were created. We can not comprehend Him.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Healing my broken heart: Blessed

Better today.
I am determined. Determined to be blessed. Determined to count my blessings.
God knows what is happening in my life and has planned it for a perfect reason.
He planned Isabella Grace. He planned her just as she is for His glory. Whatever her defects or imperfections, fatal or not.
She is to His glory and I am determined to count every day with her as a blessing.
Every moment, whether months or years, to count them as blessing. I am choosing Joy.
I am choosing Him.
I read Katie Butts blog. She is counting every moment with Ellie. I wondered how she could do that and not be overwhelmed with grief. I wondered how she could build a nursery that might never hold a baby. It was beyond my ability.
But I prayed the other night that I might choose Joy. I prayed that He would heal my hurting heart and fill it again with Joy. He has. I don't know how. I didn't think it was possible.
But the realization that every moment of this pregnancy is planned by Him helped me to realize that every one should be joyful.
Some of my biggest regrets in life are when I didn't coose joy. It is always a choice. A choice to rest in the arms of our incredible God and let Him carry us through our trials confident that He has our best interest at heart.
Know the plans I have for y0u, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a hope and a future.
Today is not all we have. It is only a vapor in the eternity of our lives and I am determined to live it as such. To see my trials as so tempory as almost nonexistent.
I am determined to enjoy my baby for the time given me with her and to love her as He loves me and to trust her to my precious God.
Now if I can just give another area of my life to God like that that I have been holding on to, I will be headed in the right direction.
Katie said that God sometimes blesses us in the midst of our worst nightmares. That is just another way of saying what I have always believed: The weight of glory far outweighs the weight of the suffering.
God has always sent my biggest blessings in the midst of trials. Trials that I would have avoided if I could choose. Trials that I might still not choose, could I choose even now. But trials that enriched my life immeasurably, that taught me Who He was. That taught me His love and faithfulness.

It took me by surprise Wednesday when Dr. Tucker said that Isabella's defects could be fatal. I knew the hygroma was a fatal condition. I knew the odds of overcoming that, but I thought when we got past that that we would be free and clear. To find that I was still in the position of waiting for my baby to die was more than I could accept joyfully. He had to help me. I had to know where I was to get where I needed to be. I guess since I was waiting for the hygroma to be over I was sure that when it was over, we could move on and if it wasn't she would be gone because of it.

So welcome Isabella Grace. I love you so much. You have filled my heart now for 6 months. I have waited for you to be mine forever, holding my breath until the obstacles were over.
Now I find that they my not ever be over. I may never hold you as a healthy child, physically whole. I may never get to rest in the peace that comes with a healthy child.
But I hold you now. I love you now. For now that is enough.

None of this took our God by surprise. He holds us both and we will enjoy one another for as long as we have each other here.
Then if it is His will, I will wait to hold you again in heaven. And if it is His will, I will have you here for a long time.

But you need to know how much I love you.
I love your kicks and rolls and wiggles. I love that I poke you and you move. I love to carry you. You have blessed me with your sweet little presence. I love you immeasurably.

Thank you, Precious Lord, for precious Isabella Grace. Hold her carefully. If its Your will, heal her and let me hold her for a long, long time.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Baby Isabella

Dear Lord,

I just found out again that I may not get to keep her. I know you love her more than I do. If she goes to your arms before she comes to mine, I know I will meet her in heaven.
I want her so much. It is hard to process my thoughts.
My heart is broken.
I know Your eyes were not closed when You formed her lovingly in my womb. I am not sure of Your plan for us. I know I trust YOu with that.
My internet friend, Ellie's mom, is making a concious effort to enjoy her days with Ellie. I have enjoyed every little kick and roll, every ultrasound, every precious sign of her precious little life.
Life has been so busy for me. Working full time, Dad's wedding, Hugh's funeral, taking care of the house and kids, planning Sarah's wedding, doctor's appointments, all keeping me exhausted. I am going to make a conscious effort to be conscious of everything I am doing with Isabella. I am going to treasure my time with her. I am going to live in the moment and not wait for the future because today is all I have for sure and I don't want to regret how I spent today.
I hear You speaking to me, Lord, help me to hear.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Joy.
I have had a singular lack of it lately. No time in the word.
Worry.
I have been doing too much of that lately. No time in the word.
Planning.
None.
Organization.
None.
I need the Lord in my every day life.
Can't believe I let busyness push Him out.
Rectifying that tonight.
Gratitude. Forgiveness. Love. Joy. Peace.
Things of eternal significance.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I am having a really hard time today. Really tired and fretting about the baby. She is in an odd position. I can't feel her movements as well in this position and it makes me worry that something is wrong. I can't wait until Wednesday.

pregnant

pregnant