I am determined. Determined to be blessed. Determined to count my blessings.
God knows what is happening in my life and has planned it for a perfect reason.
He planned Isabella Grace. He planned her just as she is for His glory. Whatever her defects or imperfections, fatal or not.
She is to His glory and I am determined to count every day with her as a blessing.
Every moment, whether months or years, to count them as blessing. I am choosing Joy.
I am choosing Him.
I read Katie Butts blog. She is counting every moment with Ellie. I wondered how she could do that and not be overwhelmed with grief. I wondered how she could build a nursery that might never hold a baby. It was beyond my ability.
But I prayed the other night that I might choose Joy. I prayed that He would heal my hurting heart and fill it again with Joy. He has. I don't know how. I didn't think it was possible.
But the realization that every moment of this pregnancy is planned by Him helped me to realize that every one should be joyful.
Some of my biggest regrets in life are when I didn't coose joy. It is always a choice. A choice to rest in the arms of our incredible God and let Him carry us through our trials confident that He has our best interest at heart.
Know the plans I have for y0u, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a hope and a future.
Today is not all we have. It is only a vapor in the eternity of our lives and I am determined to live it as such. To see my trials as so tempory as almost nonexistent.
I am determined to enjoy my baby for the time given me with her and to love her as He loves me and to trust her to my precious God.
Now if I can just give another area of my life to God like that that I have been holding on to, I will be headed in the right direction.
Katie said that God sometimes blesses us in the midst of our worst nightmares. That is just another way of saying what I have always believed: The weight of glory far outweighs the weight of the suffering.
God has always sent my biggest blessings in the midst of trials. Trials that I would have avoided if I could choose. Trials that I might still not choose, could I choose even now. But trials that enriched my life immeasurably, that taught me Who He was. That taught me His love and faithfulness.
It took me by surprise Wednesday when Dr. Tucker said that Isabella's defects could be fatal. I knew the hygroma was a fatal condition. I knew the odds of overcoming that, but I thought when we got past that that we would be free and clear. To find that I was still in the position of waiting for my baby to die was more than I could accept joyfully. He had to help me. I had to know where I was to get where I needed to be. I guess since I was waiting for the hygroma to be over I was sure that when it was over, we could move on and if it wasn't she would be gone because of it.
So welcome Isabella Grace. I love you so much. You have filled my heart now for 6 months. I have waited for you to be mine forever, holding my breath until the obstacles were over.
Now I find that they my not ever be over. I may never hold you as a healthy child, physically whole. I may never get to rest in the peace that comes with a healthy child.
But I hold you now. I love you now. For now that is enough.
None of this took our God by surprise. He holds us both and we will enjoy one another for as long as we have each other here.
Then if it is His will, I will wait to hold you again in heaven. And if it is His will, I will have you here for a long time.
But you need to know how much I love you.
I love your kicks and rolls and wiggles. I love that I poke you and you move. I love to carry you. You have blessed me with your sweet little presence. I love you immeasurably.
Thank you, Precious Lord, for precious Isabella Grace. Hold her carefully. If its Your will, heal her and let me hold her for a long, long time.