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Monday, May 17, 2010

My oldest, Sarah, got married Saturday. It was a beautiful day filled with beautiful memories.
She is only 20, but when she met Bryan, it wasn't long before she knew he was the one. He is an amazing man.
He loves the Lord deeply. He loves Sarah deeply.
She was as calm as anyone could have been for her big day.
She and Brian waited to have their first kiss at their ceremony.
He cried as she walked down the aisle. They both had a wonderful time. They are so excited to start on their lives together and commited to serving the Lord.

I have prayed my children's entire lives for the right mates. I have had them praying for a long time for their future mates.
I was so grateful to God for answering that prayer in such a powerful and unmistakeable way. I know that we are blessed and I know Who blessed us.

The day could not have been more joyful or perfect.

Coincidence or not, Rachel sings to Isabella at home, and when Rachel sang "My Shepherd Will Supply My Need" during the ceremony, Isabella started kicking vigorously and kicked the entire time she sang. She didn't do that again the entire day. I was happy to be so concious of her presence there with me. My heart was full of all of my girls.

It is amazing that God sent such an amazing blessing in the midst of heartache. It is amazing how my heart can be full of joy at the same time that my heart is so heavy with heartache over Isabella.

I have been researching ultrasound pictures of trisomy 18 and 13 babies. I just couldn't quite bring myself to believe that she really might have those fatal trisomies, and yet I knew that Dr. Tucker wouldn't exaggerate the probablity to me. I found enough information to support his statements.

I know that because she had a large cystic hygroma, has a polycystic kidney. has a short femur, has swollen looking feet and has growth in the 25% percentile, those are very real possibilities. I found that some babies with trisomy 13 or 18 look normal on ultrasound. It is so hard to admit to myself that it is a real possibility. I wanted to tell myself that since no cardiac abnormalities had shown up, since her fists weren't clenched, and she doesn't have microcephaly that those were not what I was looking at.

I know God didn't close His eyes when He formed her.

Pray that I will be faithful to praise Him for His plan.

I know you understand when I say that that particular plan breaks my heart. It is really hard to get to joy in the midst of my grief.

I love God and I trust Him and I don't want that plan.

I don't want to pray for the best and plan for the worst. If I plan for the worst it is so real for me that I can't stand it. No one else really considers the worst for us. I can tell they don't go there.

How do I do this?

I am really having a hard time. Tonight, I just can't stop crying.

I know My God loves me and her. I do trust Him even when my heart is breaking. I will praise Him no matter what happens. I know Who He Is.

But my heart is broken tonight. I am grieving. If anyone has any words of wisdom to throw my way, I am open.

1 comment:

  1. ((((hugs))) no words of wisdom here but I have been where you are and know the pain you are in, but know that there is always a plan, and never loose hope. When I was pregnant this one verse kept me going, that and copious amounts of chocolate. Hope youre feeling better today.
    "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
    Jeremiah 29:11
    I also wanted u to know that babcenter has a cystic hygroma support group, and there are many many born healthy babies on there. Although my sons Ryans journey has been hard, and hes not with out his challenges, believe me the unknown is WAY more scarier than the reality, and you WILL get through this.