Optimism

In pondering things over the past week, several trains of thought have taken root in my mind.
1) God didn't close His eyes when making Isabella. If He made her with trisomy 13 or 18, He made her that way for a perfect reason. Selfishly, I would like to have her for a long time. But I understand that He has eternal purposes to accomplish. He can take her to heaven in the eternal perspective to accomplish thisngs on earth that I can not fathom. If he give us a witness that touches someone's heart, He may have a plan to save many babies. He may have a plan of eternal salvation for someone. How could I say that I wouldn't want Him to accomplish those things. I can't. He is good. That I know. I love Him. I know that, too. He loves me. I am sure. He loves her. I am sure. I can never loose her. I just may not get to keep her here.
If she is a testimony to the value of every little life He creates, no matter how brief, if that is His plan, I value that also. She is a beautiful baby. Precious in His sight and mine. I love her so much.

2) He may still have a plan to allow me to keep her. I don't know. I won't know before she is here, probably, since I elected not to have an amnio.

She beat the 95% chance that I would miscarry in the first trimester because of my age.

She beat the greater than 90% chance that her huge cystic hygroma would be fatal.

There is up to a 50% chance that she has a fatal chromosomal abnormality. Those are the best odds she has had.

3) God is not bound by any statistics.

I am determined to have Joy. Nothing can take the Lord from us and He is our joy. Even if I cry.

I trust Him. He is worthy of praise always. That sounds so lame because it is such an understatement of what our Precious Lord is.
He is God. Nothing is beyond Him or out of His hands.At a word the heavens and earth were created. We can not comprehend Him.

Healing my broken heart: Blessed

Better today.
I am determined. Determined to be blessed. Determined to count my blessings.
God knows what is happening in my life and has planned it for a perfect reason.
He planned Isabella Grace. He planned her just as she is for His glory. Whatever her defects or imperfections, fatal or not.
She is to His glory and I am determined to count every day with her as a blessing.
Every moment, whether months or years, to count them as blessing. I am choosing Joy.
I am choosing Him.
I read Katie Butts blog. She is counting every moment with Ellie. I wondered how she could do that and not be overwhelmed with grief. I wondered how she could build a nursery that might never hold a baby. It was beyond my ability.
But I prayed the other night that I might choose Joy. I prayed that He would heal my hurting heart and fill it again with Joy. He has. I don't know how. I didn't think it was possible.
But the realization that every moment of this pregnancy is planned by Him helped me to realize that every one should be joyful.
Some of my biggest regrets in life are when I didn't coose joy. It is always a choice. A choice to rest in the arms of our incredible God and let Him carry us through our trials confident that He has our best interest at heart.
Know the plans I have for y0u, plans for good and not for evil, plans to give you a hope and a future.
Today is not all we have. It is only a vapor in the eternity of our lives and I am determined to live it as such. To see my trials as so tempory as almost nonexistent.
I am determined to enjoy my baby for the time given me with her and to love her as He loves me and to trust her to my precious God.
Now if I can just give another area of my life to God like that that I have been holding on to, I will be headed in the right direction.
Katie said that God sometimes blesses us in the midst of our worst nightmares. That is just another way of saying what I have always believed: The weight of glory far outweighs the weight of the suffering.
God has always sent my biggest blessings in the midst of trials. Trials that I would have avoided if I could choose. Trials that I might still not choose, could I choose even now. But trials that enriched my life immeasurably, that taught me Who He was. That taught me His love and faithfulness.

It took me by surprise Wednesday when Dr. Tucker said that Isabella's defects could be fatal. I knew the hygroma was a fatal condition. I knew the odds of overcoming that, but I thought when we got past that that we would be free and clear. To find that I was still in the position of waiting for my baby to die was more than I could accept joyfully. He had to help me. I had to know where I was to get where I needed to be. I guess since I was waiting for the hygroma to be over I was sure that when it was over, we could move on and if it wasn't she would be gone because of it.

So welcome Isabella Grace. I love you so much. You have filled my heart now for 6 months. I have waited for you to be mine forever, holding my breath until the obstacles were over.
Now I find that they my not ever be over. I may never hold you as a healthy child, physically whole. I may never get to rest in the peace that comes with a healthy child.
But I hold you now. I love you now. For now that is enough.

None of this took our God by surprise. He holds us both and we will enjoy one another for as long as we have each other here.
Then if it is His will, I will wait to hold you again in heaven. And if it is His will, I will have you here for a long time.

But you need to know how much I love you.
I love your kicks and rolls and wiggles. I love that I poke you and you move. I love to carry you. You have blessed me with your sweet little presence. I love you immeasurably.

Thank you, Precious Lord, for precious Isabella Grace. Hold her carefully. If its Your will, heal her and let me hold her for a long, long time.

Baby Isabella

Dear Lord,

I just found out again that I may not get to keep her. I know you love her more than I do. If she goes to your arms before she comes to mine, I know I will meet her in heaven.
I want her so much. It is hard to process my thoughts.
My heart is broken.
I know Your eyes were not closed when You formed her lovingly in my womb. I am not sure of Your plan for us. I know I trust YOu with that.
My internet friend, Ellie's mom, is making a concious effort to enjoy her days with Ellie. I have enjoyed every little kick and roll, every ultrasound, every precious sign of her precious little life.
Life has been so busy for me. Working full time, Dad's wedding, Hugh's funeral, taking care of the house and kids, planning Sarah's wedding, doctor's appointments, all keeping me exhausted. I am going to make a conscious effort to be conscious of everything I am doing with Isabella. I am going to treasure my time with her. I am going to live in the moment and not wait for the future because today is all I have for sure and I don't want to regret how I spent today.
I hear You speaking to me, Lord, help me to hear.

Joy.
I have had a singular lack of it lately. No time in the word.
Worry.
I have been doing too much of that lately. No time in the word.
Planning.
None.
Organization.
None.
I need the Lord in my every day life.
Can't believe I let busyness push Him out.
Rectifying that tonight.

Gratitude. Forgiveness. Love. Joy. Peace.
Things of eternal significance.

I am having a really hard time today. Really tired and fretting about the baby. She is in an odd position. I can't feel her movements as well in this position and it makes me worry that something is wrong. I can't wait until Wednesday.