Hmmmmmmmmmm.............
I went from not being able to imagine that I wouldn't hold her to petrified that I wouldn't.

Isabella had a weird week where she really didn't move much. I was so afraid every day that something had gone wrong. She moved some every day, but there weren't those constant little kicks and wiggles that keep me going. I also put on some fluid weight that scared me.

Her activity levels are back up, but my confidence isn't.

I can't wait until next week. Another sonogram. I am praying for resolution of the cystic hygroma.

It's been a long time since I have posted.
A lot has been going on.
I started back to work full time in December and found out I was pregnant.

It has been a strange road to travel.

For weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I waited to miscarry because of my advanced age. Holding my breath and afraid to hope, unwilling to let this baby into my heart because I didn't want to deal with the loss.
At around 11 or 12 weeks, I decided maybe I should make an appt. Maybe I really was going to have a baby.
There (I know who now) she was on an ultrasound. Heart beating away normally.
A scan was sceduled with a maternal fetal specialist to see that all was normal with the baby.
I was still holding my breath, despite being told that the chances of anything going wrong at this point were slim, around 1 to 2%.
At that scan, I found out that Isabella Grace had a large cystic hygroma which is, in simplified form, an immature lymphatic system that has not fully connected with the circulatory system to empty.
She was in grave danger of going into hydrops, a collection of fluid that leads to congestive heart failure.
They couldn't see her heart and face, so we couldn't rule out cleft palate and heart defects. She had an echogenic bowel, which is another soft marker for chromosomal defects.
Of course, I was offered a termination of pregnancy.
Until now, I didn't realize how many pregnancies were terminated due to a poor prenatal diagnosis.
It appears that at any defect detected on a sonogram around 99% of mothers terminate.

That still breaks my heart.

Sarah and Rachel argued over the baby's name for a while. Rachel was pulling for Audrey Isabella(noble strength and God's promise) and Sarah liked Mary Grace.
They compromised with Isabella Grace.

The last scan showed all organs and extremities normal, with no sign of echogenic bowel. Dr. Tucker's pronosis went from almost no hope, to cautiously optimistic.
The hygroma was smaller or the same.

Isabella is very active most days. The days she isn't she scares me. I love all her wiggles and kicks.
I imagine holding her all the time. I talk to her all the time and tell her how much I love her.

I can't imagine not holding her at this point. Only one more week (well and a little half) until she is considered viable outside of the womb.

I have never counted weeks 0r agonized over when a baby might be viable before. With my others, I never even considered that they might not make it to term normally.

Nonetheless, God has a plan.

I have seen how praying for Isabella has the potential for developing the faith of others. She is already a miracle.
She is to GOd's glory.

The kids often tell me I'm mean. They are kind of joking. I told Rachel today that I take it as a complement when they tell me I'm mean. I am way too easy on them and if they say I'm mean, it means I'm improving my parenting skills!

Sarah asked for some gas money to drive to our family Thanksgiving in Batesville. David lectured her on money for a while and grudgingly gave her 20 dollars. Later that day, we were all going to a movie, and David cracked a joke about Sarah's outfit. She had on leggings and a long sweater with high heels. David said, " Sarah's wearing her hooker outfit." Sarah looked at him a quipped back, "As tight as you are with money, I have to make ends meet somehow!"

William had been playing with my great nephew Caleb James all day. They had played on the swing set and slide, sledded on the grass down the hill, along with other activities. Caleb is two and very smart. He fussed when he came in the first time that William hurt him while they were sledding. Caleb slipped off of the sled while going down the hill. Beth asked him if she needed to whip William and Caleb said, "Yeah!" She proceeded to fake a whipping a Caleb laughed. I wasn't sure that whipping was good enough and asked Caleb if William needed a better whipping. William asked Caleb's forgiveness and Caleb said he had had a good enough whipping. A little while later Caleb was hurt on the swing. We gave William another good "whipping." When Caleb was hurt on the slide, we did a repeat performance.
When it came time for us to leave, Caleb wanted to know if William had to go too. I told him he did. I said, "I can't leave him here. There wouldn't be anyone to whip him when he acts up. Who would whip him?"
Caleb said, "John would whip him."

Missing Mom

I miss Mom today. Sometimes her loss is so fresh it amazes me. I guess you never stop missing a mom.
I miss you, Mom.......................

Good morning!
I am grateful for many things this morning. I am grateful that I have the joy and priveledge of homeschooling William and Rachel. We love being together and have such a good time. Other than contracting the swine flu this week, our school year is off to a pretty good start. I am so excited about what we are going to accomplish!
I am grateful that we knew we had been exposed to the Swine Flu by the next day and were able to start treatment as soon as we began to show any symptoms. It appears that the Tamiflu is heading the Swine Flu off at the pass. Everyone is running a low grade fever, 99 to 100, but not the typical high fevers that we might have had. Our symptoms are very mild and not escalating. I think this is God's providence for us.
I have chronic bronchitis from a benign mass in my chest. If I got the full blown Swine Flu, which is particularly hard on the lungs, it could be really bad. Now I have it in a very mild form. That is much safer for me. Thank you, Lord!
I am getting more rest with the flu than I normally get. I needed an excuse for a break.
I love Bible study right now and church has been great lately. Our preacher is doing a wonderful job.